Discussion
If there was a Fedi-Dating platform...
1. what features would you find most valuable?
2. what features do you like from existing dating sites?
3. and what features do you dislike from existing dating sites?
4. what safety features would you need in order to feel safe on the platform?
Update: see https://lgbtqia.space/@alice/117152273187914760
1) already included. This platform is by far the best I've found for finding who people really are and...it still sucks at that. It's easy to lie over the internet. Lying fups relationships.
2) I'd like them to not be monitored and monetized by Big Data. I want a dating site built around anonymity. Lacking that, I just Bartleby all those sites. The world doesn't need to know my peccadillos.
3) I dunno. I don't use them. Is "all" an acceptable answer here?
4) Not to repeat myself, but actual privacy is the only feature that matters here.
@alice something to prevent fake profiles and location faking - okc is not usuable anymore as it's swamped with profiles from East Asia, pretending to sit in Europe.
@alice 1. features I would find most valuable in a Fedi dating platform:
- be able to chat for free
- not more than $20cad ($14usd)/month for all features
- optional ID verification if someone feels the need to have that for safety reasons before meeting in person, but not mandatory
- a way to sift out people looking primarily for sex and/or threesomes, etc.
- a way to prioritize people who need connection/friendship with the people they date even if not looking for long-term/marriage-like relationships.
Some multiple choice answers (as well as room to elaborate) to quality of life questions that are optional to answer:
- are you career-focused
- do you need your partner to be career-focused
- do you need your partner to be financially independent
- how many dogs do you live with
- how many cats do you live with
- are you ok living with dogs
- are you ok living with cats
- are you ok living with other animals
- do you have children living at home
- are you ok with a partner who has children living at home
- do you live with roommates/family
- are you ok with a partner who lives with roommates/family
- are you ok changing habits to accommodate allergies and/or disabilities
- do you need your partner to be physically active
- do you need your partner to be social with your friends
- do you need quiet space to yourself
- do you like to be social at home
- do you need to talk about issues right away or can you wait
- do you need time to reflect and be calm before discussing issues
(and lots more questions like these)
2. Features I like from existing dating sites:
I havenβt used a dating site in over 10 years but questions to match compatibility was useful.
3. Features I dislike from existing dating sites:
- The high cost
- prioritizing people who pay the premium features
- fake accounts / scammers
- very hetero
- too corporate
- have to give ID and personal details
4. safety features I would need in order to feel safe on the platform:
- Strong moderation
- quick response when reporting a safety issue
- blocking bots
- not have to divulge exact location
@alice I think having some hidden tags that only become visible if both people have them would be useful. Like if you tag your location as Europe, Western Europe, France, and Paris: if a potential match was also in Europe you'd see that, if a match was in France you'd see that, and if a match was in Paris you'd both already know! It gives a good indicator of proximity without screaming "Hello, this is my location!" to everyone on the app.
For location, you could maybe have a series of like cascading recommended tags? Like you could be presented with continent > country within continent > province within country, and also have the ability for some free tags where you could put your city if you wished. And obviously you could stop at continent or nothing at all.
"Only show if we both have" tags could also be useful for kinks and fetishes that would be great to share but aren't a dealbreaker.
I also think there should be a way to hide profiles that don't match certain specifications, like "only show profiles containing tags transgender, transfem, transmasc, nonbinary" for a quick broad t4t filter, or "only show profiles willing to have online/long distance relationship", or "only show profiles with tag "polyamorous".
I also think there should be different types of matches: maybe like a heart match for "I would like to match romantically/sexually", a star for "I would like to match platonically" (and maybe also like a hobby match, like "I would like to play video games/geek out about music/go to hobby conventions with you). A feature I think would be cool would be a thumbs up for "I'm alright with matching if you see something in me", where two thumbs up would result in a failed match and anything else would be a success. I also think you should be able to pick multiple types of matches for one match interaction: maybe you can set your default match type in user settings for quick tap/swipe likes, then have a long press or menu for multiple choice.
So: if Alice chooses to Star and Heart match, and Bob only chooses a Star match, they both Star match! If Alice and Bob both choose Heart match and Star match, they match (either as Heart which is pretty amatonormative or as like a sparkly heart? lol), the app tells them, and they can talk about it. But if Alice only picks a Heart match and Bob only picks a Star match, they clearly have different expectations and the match fails...? I think. (Or Bob is presented with a "hey, this person that you Star matched Heart matched you. Do you want to reexamine their profile and add a heart match, or would you like to turn the match down?")
I don't think that the public profile should necessarily have to include an irl picture, because I don't want unvetted strangers seeing my face. I think that maybe after a match a profile should show an irl picture, with a small set of 2-3 pics unlocked after a match.
And other people have already said this, but lots of q+a type prompts. Also, ability to create own fields for like "operating system" or "class I play in XYZ game" or "preferred role in XYZ sexual activity". Easy settings for users to pause (no longer show profile and freeze matches) and completely nuke (delete everything) their profiles. Competent blocking, whatever that ends up looking like with the final set of features. Good reporting for both images and profiles, maybe where if something receives multiple reports from different people (to avoid abuse?) the app automatically hides/mutes the images or user until a mod can delete or unhide them.
Final thoughts: Cool idea! Long post over. Fish 
@alice 1. filters that actually work. If I set something as a dealbreaker, I would rather see βno more candidatesβ than someone that doesnβt fit my preferences. Same thing in the other direction. I donβt want to see people who will never see me because I am a dealbreaker for them.
3. βpay to see who likes youβ is the absolute worst.
4. maybe some kind of karma system though I donβt know how to prevent this from being abused for bullying
@alice I've never used a dating site, and I'm happily married and monogamous, but creating a good, safe dating site seems like an interesting problem. It might make sense if there was a mechanism for users to create and share surveys and rubrics. Users could then set criteria to limit who can find or contact them based on their scores. It would be fun, engaging, and in keeping with the spirit of decentralization.
@alice
It should be free. Voluntary donations would be okay, though.
@alice 1. Wizard to get that first date on the books and avoid the logistics hem-hawing. It could suggest good places based on each daters preferences and find a mutually good time based on dating hours settings.
2. You donβt have to swipe anyone to see the next suggestion on Feeld, and you can easily go back to previous discoveries. This eliminates the anxiety of choosing wrong at first sight.
3. Having to redo my profile on every dating app, and having them own that data. I should be able to self-host my own profile and proclivities.
4. I get hit up every day by obviously fake too-good-to-be-true profiles and Iβm sick of it. There needs to be some kind of vouching system or a more bulletproof method of verification that doesnβt involve matching profile pictures to IDs. The scammers put their own image on a billboard behind the fake profile image. Iβve caught it happening on Tindr.
@alice Happily unpartnered here. My problem with dating apps is that it immediately launches you from chat to irl meet-up. There's no time to get to know someone organically and build some sort friendship. It's straight into interview mode, which puts a lot of pressure on meeting someone. Like buddy, who even are you.
In that way a fedi dating platform could be interesting, since you're sort of already building friendships here. Or at least have a sense about a person from their posts.
@Gina @alice A platform could have surveys like OkCupid, possibly with gamification, "Your friendship is at level 3, complete more surveys or chat more with each other to get to level 5 and meet up". Perhaps the first "date" could be screen sharing/simultaneous watching a movie remotely or playing an online game.
@Gina @alice I've managed to meet a few ladies who had access to Discord. We ended up chatting for a few days prior to the first meet up. From my perspective, ladies on these dating apps want an instant date. So it's quite difficult to get them to slow down for a moment. That's just been my experience with those sites.
Other approach:
- both need to subscribe to the "dating" service
- both need to follow each other
- both see two checkboxes on the other person's profile:
* interested in romance
* interested in sex
- if both reciprocally check the same box(es), both are notified
-> if P1 isn't interested in dating at all, P1 won't subscribe and won't be bothered. Same if both subscribed but it doesn't match. If there's a match, it's up to the two to have the flirt develop via DM...
@alice I'm old enough to remember when OKCupid was Very Good Actually, and genuinely different from the others. And the things that made it good also made it a great way to meet friends even if you weren't interested in dating. The reasons (not numbered by your questions):
This is a great idea, I hope it will work and be safe.
Reuse the content they have boosted or marked, but only when the amount of profiles is beig enough. That way you can find people with interests as a basis.
Hide the fediverse account names until both agree to share it.
Save all higher tier security info on a separate service (your dating service).
I actually think you don't need separate moderation. If people are genuine creeps, mods and admins will not want them on their instance anyway.
@alice 4. End-to-end encrypted private messaging, ability to fully and permanently delete all content once forever love is found (or automatically after a period of inactivity), protections from scraping for profile information and pictures. No AI. No data collection and sharing with third parties. No AI. NO data collection. NO AI. NO DATA COLLECTION.
What if the AI and data collection can be turned off on an unadvertised settings page 3enus deep? Would they be ok then?
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