Four years ago today I first admitted I was trans. It's hard to believe it's that recent. Already it feels like it's been forever, like I have always been the way I am today.
At some level, I knew this a long time before I ever admitted it to myself. I didn't have the words for it, I didn't know it was possible, and I never imagined I would be safe to follow through on it. But it was still there.
I remember looking at the other side of the clothing store with longing. I remember asking every girlfriend how things felt for them. I remember the bitter disappointment when I noticed differences in our experiences. I remember driving into the mountains because it was the only place I felt safe wearing a skirt. I remember trying on my Nonny's shoes as a small child, I must have been 3 or 4. I remember in high school telling my dad "I know there are a ton of reasons it wouldn't be, but I can't help but feel my life would be better if I'd been born a girl."
When I first admitted this to myself I was so scared. "I look at that potential future and see pain," I wrote. "I don't think I could take it[.]"
I was wrong. Oh, it wasn't painless. I have lost parts of my family. I lost a couple of bad friends. Deciding to transition derailed my PhD program. But I had never experienced such joy before. I had never known that you could wake up and feel hopeful, not about something, but in general.
It is wild to me how much of this has become mundane now. I wake up and I can wear the clothes I want. My hair is beautiful in a way I never imagined it would be, back in the days of constant buzz cuts. I get to hear a name that I chose instead of the one foisted on me. My hormones actually feel right now, like a fog lifted on the inside. I don't have to mask my behavior nearly as hard, because who cares if someone sees me act naturally鈥擨 don't have some bullshit facade to maintain. Or, at least, a much smaller one.
I never thought I would be here. I wasn't sure, then, that I would last four years. Hell, I don't think I ever imagined living this long in any real detail.
I'm so fucking happy I stuck with it. I am happy I get to continue down this path. And oddly, I almost look forward to the next challenges. They will be hard, and remembering the payoff is especially hard in the moment, but this has proven to me that I can do it. One step at a time. Journey before destination.
I am grateful to be here as the real me. Thank you for seeing it with me. Happy hatching day 馃挏
#trans #transjoy #transfem #transfemme #queerjoy #queer
