@alice

I did like the quizzes from OKCupid. I didn't find many dates from that platforms, but the ones I did find were all very interesting.

@alice
2. prompt questions to jog the writing imagination

3. “send a message/like right now or never have another chance” — no I want to bookmark people to return to later with time to think

@alice I’m not dating, but if there were a Fedi dating site…

@alice An algorithm tuned to make the people leave the platform because they found a match and no longer need it.

(not using dating apps myself but this is the thing that irks me about the hearsay)

@alice Saw this post this morning when I woke up, boosted it, and have been thinking about it ever since.

I've not met anyone through a dating site, so I can't say what would or wouldn't work or have a reasonable comparison, even if I could.

Since I tend to overshare, I'm big on putting myself out there and letting the other party decide if they want to pursue anything. I do think that hobby and activity matching would be important, since that's the bulk of our lives, but like, I don't have to have the *same* hobbies as the other person, just...the same flavor.

I hate that appearance is so important for me, but it is, and I don't want to be the asshole turning someone down after "finally" getting to see a picture of them.

I like the ideas of setting the goals up front - looking for friends? Casual sex? Polyamorous? Monogamous? And I would prefer those restrictions to be held to - don't hook me up with someone that matches every single one of my hobbies but wants a casual relationship if I'm looking for a serious one. That sort of thing.

I'm not officially on the market right now, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being interested in dipping my toe in the dating pool again.

@alice I've never used a dating app, I have met internet people IRL and dated them pre-smartphone, I wouldn't use a fedi dating app AS a dating app, I *would* use a fedi dating app as a "Finding out that some of the cool people in my phone could be met and havebeerwith'd along the route of this road trip" app

I want this, fedi, the way we show off our doodles and make each other laugh or play with words or whatever, with an optional Extra Layer On Top, a sort of Physicality Hat. If I liked someone's vibe I could hit a button that'd send them a key to some extra information about me (encryption details to be figured out by encryption people) like where I am, what I look like, what my schedule's like, whether I'm open to dating or just to meeting up for IRL bants or whatever, and nobody gets any notification about anything until both folk involved had hit that "Show this person another layer of me" button, and the intent of pressing the button could remain flirtily ambiguous given that this could also be used between dads borrowing jigsaws and pinball people who want to see each others' barns full of shite

This would mostly be useful for two people doing the upward head tilt with flirtily cocked eyebrow of "oh hey there" followed by the chuckling shrug of "Well I'm still glad I looked" as you find out that you're a thousand miles apart. And then you have the Friendship That Began With Mild Romantic Interest And Is Now Comfortably Platonic, which is a very nice friendship to have!

(I say again I have never used a dating app)

@alice Make it Fedi-Meeting-New-People, just dating is too narrow and that being the only focus probably leads to a great deal of creepy behaviour and dark patterns on the existing platforms.

@alice
I'm limitated to 500 chars. I build a short preview with my points. :)

The pages only illustrate. The site is complete without function.

https://lsha.b33zle.de/sngl/

@alice

A design that encourages, if not requires, a discussion-first photos-later interaction.

Basically the opposite of all of the most recent / modern dating platforms.

I'm *not* suggesting that looks aren't relevant and photos shouldn't be encouraged - but they should not be the focus.

@alice just make it like OK Cupid back in about 2015. Right before it was bought by match.

@alice
3. tracking, invisible trackers unless you can detect them through your browser extensions or a network sniffer

Good question. Dating sites suck. If we were trying to plug one into Fedi I'd try a different way. Something that isn't a directory of single people, isn't a meat market or a meet market, but attaches naturally to the already-existing network. Just offering to try and pair people already here together.

Star with new User-profile checkboxes for:

I may be up for:

• Group-Meetups

• Meeting for fun with: {Guys/Girls}

• Dating: {Guys/Girls/including-trans}

• Within {X} Miles

• I am a {Guy/Girl/None/Trans}

• Living near: {location}

A handful of locations may be selected, people do move around, but not too many. Can't select everywhere.

Then the servers, if and only if you are already mutuals, AND you have the profile filled in, then when a like/reply/boost-request message is sent to a server your server attaches a 'Do We Match?' request with your profile options in it.

We don't even tell the liker the answer to that, just append a note about it in the interaction notification to the Original Poster.

EG: "alice liked your post. [AND they might be up for meeting for fun non-dates with people like you. Maybe DM them?]"

So the pair were interacting anyway, have a topic on which to begin a more intimate conversation, and mutual knowledge that they may want the same thing.

The intention here is there is no 'search for matches', procedure. No swiping. No extra scrolling.

I'm not trying to put people together who don't know each other, just match up those who already know each other but didn't know they might be up for a dinner date or to watch a football match or whatever.

We're only sending 'do I match you?' requests along with messages already passing between mutuals, and thus hopefully avoiding creating directories of single hot girls in your area for scammers to peruse.

And if you don't want any of all that you don't fill in the profile fields and then and no server evens sends you a match request.

Course, all this first requires sane private e2e encrypted DMs and presumably special moderation tools.

@alice

@alice Lemmy know if we are actually start building some open source software out of this. I have Claude Max and am allowed to use it for open source to burn the rest of my weekly limit.
I'm a professional developer, check my GitHub profile in bio.

@alice honestly I enjoyed Hinge when it was new on the market, the concept of having text prompts or photo prompts did give you at least *something* to start a conversation instead of just photos like on Tinder.

Also the wealth of info you could put in to filter potential partners like "(do not) want kids" is extremely useful so that the "big life goals" between you are aligned

@alice Want to also mention the old Okcupid questionnaire style matching, but it needs very strict limits on both changing your own answers and the ability to see what questions you match etc. I remember that it seemed very easy to "fit" your profile to someone. If your goal is to actually find a long term partner that's dumb of course, but for less honest uses there was a lot of potential for abuse that would need to be addressed.

@alice
All I need is a safe little ace playpen where no one makes overly sexual commentary. However, I've always thought it would be cool for a dating site to have an option to link accounts for polyamorous people so they could basically have a polycule page where you can meet everyone if your interests match.

That way, everyone could have their own account as well as a shared page, letting them date within or outside the polycule as they wished. I know that's pretty much just what inviting someone to a group chat is, but it would be nice to have without giving out any emails, social media or personal info.

@alice you mean it's not already a dating platform???

@alice a huge problem with any dating service is catfishing and romance scams.

Given how hard it is for any amount of community moderation to scale, and the difficulty you'd have attesting peoples' IRL identities, it might be a good idea for there to be eBay/trustpilot style ratings & feedback that both parties can give each other.

It's not a perfect system, but people with a longer-lived profile and higher star ratings would be the most trustworthy. It would be understood that if you interacted with a fairly new account or one with not that many reviews you may want to take more precautions before emotionally investing in that potential relationship.

@alice

1. The ability to temporarily turn my profile invisible. If I find someone very interesting, I'd like to focus on that person and not keep beeing flooded with messages, either having to deny people or engage with 5 people at once.

2&3. Haven't been to many, so can't comment.

4. An optional (!) ID check with a mark on a profile. I get some people want to stay anonymous. But when it comes to IRL meetings, knowing someone is known by ID would make me feel safer.

@alice since "every queer nerd wants to do this", here is a jumble of ideas from various conversations:

1)

* decisive privacy strategy
* non-clique matching
* interaction form diversity
* matching diversity

2)

* community-rooted ones are the ones that detract me least

3)

* fixed formats
* wrong dating culture
* clique matching
* pretend privacy

4)

* "informed to consent" perspective
* knowing nerds, dating explainers help more than people think sometimes

@alice I kinda miss the old okcupid style online dating site where you just have whole conversations based on profile interests that may or may not lead to actual real life dates.

I never ended up in anything (romance, hookups, fwb) off of that site but I made a bunch of friends over time and met people who led some really interesting lives/lifestyles. Not sure why they succeeded in having actual 'something for everyone' where other sites seem to fail.

@alice No freemium stuff at all. Either free with the possibility of tipping or paid for everyone.

Disable geopositioning after matching, ideally don't rely on it at all. When I was online dating if I opened a profile after matching, their position would update. This can be used for stalking, at best that's creepy and at worst it can cause real safety concerns.

Possibility to enter words or hashtags in a filter bar to prioritize or exclude profiles with them in their description. To make it easier to find profiles with similar interests or values.

No AI text generation, image filter or profile suggestion whatsoever. It goes without saying.

@alice it’s a great idea.

1. Maybe a way to signify that you have a chronic illness or low energy.

As others have said, it would be good to be able to meet friends too.

@alice
I think in the default view of ones profile or even profile picture, it should be very clear what they are looking for and who they are, to avoid the RSD of later discovering a misalignment on expectations.

Finding friends should be a first class feature and maybe also support the travel use case, without having to change one's home base location.

@alice
I like filtering with sexual orientation, gender, relationship types, smoking, trinking and eating habits, kink orientation and of corse distance.

I despise the looks voting.

I love profiles that describe what's important to you.

1. matching based on advanced search criteria, filters to include/exclude profiles, for dating but also for meeting people w/ similar interests

2. can't tell, don't use

3. monetization probably (including selling data, feeding algorithms) - that's exploiting peoples desire for a bit of love, tenderness, and happiness

(1/2)

@alice

@alice okay I'm loving all these replies, when are we building this, y'all?

@alice A system of "soft"-blocking people based on their network. If someone regularly interacts with someone who has been reported as unsafe often, or who you yourself have blocked, they should be moved to a kind of "archive" as well.

Dunno how well this would work in reality though. Needs testing.

@alice 4. Covid safe as a filter option.

Love it if you can come up with a was to disambiguate "athletic" into "people capable of treating a bicycle ride as the precursor to a date" and "people with a BMI under 100" because oh boy did that one get me down.

3. mandatory app and links to antisocial media (I don't *have* meta, tiktok or shitter accounts to link)

2. OkCupids endless quiz format.

1. website-centric, privacy compatible and the ability to express both preferences and rules.

@alice What I think is particularly interesting about a fediverse approach to dating is that I've never seen a dating site use the existing social connections between people to help. For example, I want to write public recommendations for other people ("hey, I think this person is cool and here's why you should date them"). Horrifyingly, I think the easiest way to describe what I mean is "LinkedIn for dating". (Maybe Fedi-Dating and Fedi-Hiring should be the same protocol, but with different profiles?) I think it's often easier for people who know you to talk you up than it is to promote yourself.

That said, safety is already difficult in both social networks and dating sites, so identifying the right safety features for a combination of both is particularly intimidating.

@alice

a #FediDating platform would be awesome!

Features I would love include the basic intro to feel how we can thrive together and give back to the world. Maybe ability to post a few pictures of what we like, such as a shot of our open source laptop, pets, bicycling, hiking, etc...

What features do I not want? Identity scraping sold to lists and billionaires that attempt to capture our basic freedoms and exploit our mere existence. What safety features do I need to feel safe? The ability to avoid having my identity included in a list sold to billionaire think tanks used to control my future.

That's about it

@alice

Once upon a time, OkCupid had this feature where you could add texts to your profile in multiple languages. I think this was a neat feature.

@alice 1. Ability to look for friends not just romance or sex
2. I like the personality questions on OK Cupid, they’re v helpful for screening
3. I dislike ones that do creepy scan shit w your photos like saying they didn’t detect a face or it needs to be a close up or whatev. Both for privacy & also creative photos.
4. Awareness & design for rural. Option to use imprecise location, name your loc however you want (not requiring a specific city it knows of), and set a search & a discovery range

@alice can't we (anyone) date here on #Mastodon? 😅 Any rules or restrictions?

@alice I think LEX is a good starting point for mastodon but dating.. a fedi dating app kinda by default needs some kind of geo location cus like.. its sorta the entire point.. I am not entirely sure how to do that federated and safe..

@alice

Things I hate as a millennial man (41):

1. I often have to pay to even be "competitive" (and I fucking hate using this term, but they've turned these apps into fucking gamified pieces of shit and it enrages me)
1a. I need to pay money to MESSAGE someone? The fuck is this? The whole point is to begin communication.

2. Zero effort to curb fake profiles, scams, and other miscellaneous fucking heinousness.

3. I know for a fact that there are intentionally fake profiles on their platforms to boost their numbers and these aren't real people and they know it. I bet they've even made them themselves. I wish I had a way to scrape their shit and prove it.

@alice

Oooh this is a good idea.

1. If I stress an age/gender/sexuality/distance range, don't show me people outside of that. Also the ability to see likes and message people without paying.

2. I like the optional questions on okcupid to build percentages, with the ability to add more details to the questions.

3. swipe left/right. Paywalls. Minimum characters in bios. I hate writing bios and would rather match based on a few criteria and chat with them a while to get to know them.

4. Being able to block people based on their profile.

@alice
If I can add (as not in the Dating Pool):

4: Photos only sendable with a kind "invite only", so when the other side explicitly gives the permission to send photos.
I've heard so much of female friends who got unsolitcide Pics, maybe this would help

@alice I think https://github.com/Alovoa/alovoa has an open issue to make it possible for Fediverse / ActivityPub

@alice I would appreciate events as a main feature. Like, a calendar thing, and heavy on the events ideas, planning and promotion. You could have a private calendar of one-on-one dates, and also (the main thing I'd want) a public calendar of group events for people looking to make friends and meet partners, which could easily be added to your private calendar.

@alice Thr biggest one for me: Don't make it only about dating but also allow a mode for finding new friends with aligned interests in your area!

@alice Possibility to safe someone to maybe match later, or at least revert rejections. It happened far to often that I accidentally swiped the wrong way.

Also no paywalls pls.

@alice A very easy and clear way for one to say 'I do romance but not sex' is something I remember noticing just not existing the few times I poked dating apps. Granted I also got the impression most people on dating apps were looking for sex more than romance.

No offense intended toward allosexuals, just not what I'm looking for ^^;

@alice 1. Absolutely the most valuable feature would be lack of algorithms. A clear view of people, with no addiction driven structures.

2. Only very basic features: they exist, they have users with pictures...

3. Datafarming, algorithms, bots, but also culture. Addiction based structures have built a single served dating culture, where people are used, not interacted with.

4. Possibility of being invisible to non-signed in users, moderation. Maybe a link to other fedi to facilitate trust.

@alice not really using dating. So my mentions are maybe completely out of reality.

1. Safety: your data stays your data, no AI training, Building up Data to get stolen, e.t.c.

2. No profile picture: text, match, vibe, after that there is a option to defog your Profile picture or Pictures

3. Bullet points: Something to look at and Match before going deeper. But the points are also clickable to show an Explanation what the Individual understands under the bullet points. (bioware)

@alice
Solve the devilish problem of privacy versus assurance that people are real. My biggest issue with other sites is that im glad to share private details with other honest real folk on the site, but existing services are greedy evilcorps, harvesting and selling intimate details, while allowing oceans of scammers from all corners of the earth who pretend to be in my postal code.

Its a tall order.... But I'd gladly pay a non profit for the service.