Normal Island News
The FBI's fuck ups are making it really hard to pretend that Epstein is dead
There is now enough weirdness around Epstein that even sensible journalists like me are saying he allegedly took his life. We’re just not sure anymore! It looks like this could be another case of us timidly accepting the official story, and then discovering we were lied to. You’d think we’d have learnt our lesson by now, wouldn’t you?
Normal Island News
British Prime Minister Morgan McSweeney resigns due to Epstein files
Normally, I don’t write two newsletters in a day because I’m too lazy, but a huge story has broken that I have to cover so you’re getting an extra one. Aren’t you lucky? Okay, here goes…
British prime minister Morgan McSweeney has resigned due to the revelations about Peter Mandelson in the Epstein files
Normal Island News
Operation Epstein Distraction finds miracle cures for every illness!
You can’t have failed to notice the number of miracle cures that have appeared over the last few days. We’re talking about HPV, MS, haemophilia, six types of cancer, and depression. We’re even talking about repairing injured spinal cords. I’m not sure if they have found a cure for paedophilia though.
Normal Island News
Tributes pour in as Ghislaine Maxwell sadly passes away tomorrow
"Ghislaine Maxwell has tragically taken her own life tomorrow night, hours before she was scheduled to testify to congress about the Epstein files. It is understood Maxwell committed suicide due to doubts she would blame everything on Russia.
At the time of the suicide, the camera to Maxwell’s cell were switched off and the guards were sleeping."
I don't wish to upset you, but Epstein could bring down the British prime minister
"It’s been a strange couple of days for me.I’ve been coming to terms with the fact the guy they called “Prince of Darkness” turned out to be a wrong ‘un.
When Sir Keir Starmer made Peter Mandelson the UK’s ambassador to the US,I,like my corporate media colleagues, was willing to give the Prince of Darkness a second, third, fourth…I think it’s seventh chance"
Normal Island News
If you thought the Epstein stuff was weird, you have seen nothing yet
"Now you’re gonna think I’m making this story up, but you should know I don’t write satire anymore and this one is 100% factual, like everything I write these days. By the time you’re finished reading, you’re gonna think I need a psychiatric evaluation though!"
Normal Island News
Peter Mandelson has been a very naughty boy
You will be distraught to hear that your favourite Lord since Voldemort, Peter Mandelson, has found himself in a spot of bother in the Epstein files.
As one of the most beloved members of Blair’s government, Mandelson made everyone jump for joy when he returned to politics to become ambassador to the US.
#NormalIslandNews #satire #Mandelson #Epstein #politics #corruption #fascism
